Dreaming of high school???

i keep having weird dreams about high school, an dmore importantly people from high school. People i haven't spoken to in a very long time, and people that really, are not all that nice. And are not people i really need in my life.
Yet, most nights i dream of them, dream of being with them, hanging around, calling them, etc etc.
it's very off putting.
and frustrating, because I'm very dreamy for the first half hour of so of being awake, so i feel as if i can't tell if i was dreaming or if i actually have spoken to these people.
Which of course, makes me feel that i should, and sad that i don't.

I'm not really sure what's going on. When i think properly about it, i really don't want to be friends anymore, and there are clear reasons why i have moved away from that group... and yet i just keep dreaming....

Are the dreams my true desires? Do i really want to continue my friendship? And yet, i have friends now that understand me so much better, that are more loyal, that are truly better friends then they ever were.

I do miss the old days occassionally. Like how much Kelly used to make me laugh. And then yet, now i know she is a very different person, and to be around her, is no longer fun, but stressful.
I miss katherine, and sarah. Those who i know are still reasonable people. But perhaps really, i miss them all, i simply know that katherine and sarah would still accept me wholeheartedly. Others only would on the surface. I would still be waiting for the backstabbing behind my back high school crap once i left the room.
i think i need to move on.
I think i need to realise that the people i was friends with at the beginning of high school, are very much different people now. And for that matter, so am i.
Perhaps those friendships cannot exist anymore, as those people do not exist.

I know this logically....
really wish my dreams were more logical too.

Pox ruining my Confidence

So, since the chicken pox, i;ve been self conscious about my skin. Not in the over the top 'not wanting to go out in public' type way, but in the 'looking in the mirror and frowning' type way. You see, i have fairly beautiful skin. I get the occasional pimple, and i seem to the this annoying discolouration under my lip... which i can't work out what it's caused from... toothpaste maybe? Drooling in my sleep? i've heard you can use your drool in the morning as a weapon against warts and stuff, so it must be fairly full of bacteria... anyway, i digress. I do that a lot.




But since the chicken pox, i now have about 14 ice pick scars across my forehead and cheeks and I HATE IT.




I think i shall eventually do something drastic like plastic surgery or botox. I know i shouldn't be so superficial, but really.. most people only get one or two scars that add character. But because i got the disease so damm bad, i guess i have more character to show.









here's a photo from when i was in hospital with it.








See, i was rather pathetic. if i must go into it, i was actually really sick. i was in hospital, in total quarantine for a week, and then in isolation. The pox actually went through my liver, so i was in lots of pain too. Apparently my liver stats were 300. They should be 30. No idea what that is actually measuring though... inability to handle alcohol i gather.
So all in all, yes i could well have died, or had a horrible brain virus or something. No, i'm not being melodramatic. if the pox had have travelled up to my lungs, it would have been hard to keep out of my brain and blah blah blah. i didn't really care - just wanted more morphine and free spongebob squarepants on television.

So perhaps i could be grateful to be alive, and i was for a while... but now i'm
over it

. Now i want to be alive, but with my pretty skin back!







So i'm taking lots of vitamins, not only for my skin, but also for my immune system. And now my doctor has me on .. i dunno, some antibiotic for acne. Hoping that may help the scarring a little bit. Plus i've broken out in pimples from stress.



I'm just frustrated ok? I want to feel pretty.







Same goes for my back. I haven't worn anything backless since it all. I used to have one of those gorgeous backs that look amazing in backless dresses etc.



Now...

So obviously it's not still that bad. That photo was taken in hospital, and now most pox have healed. But not quite enough for me to feel confident, and proud of my beauty.

Anyway.

So i guess i'll stay on this medication, and look after myself etc.

Maybe do something about my self esteem....

or just get some amazing beige concealer....